How I would like to agree to that! When I was in Sec Sch, I've "absorbed" PH and KY's and Yang Lao Shi's super sarcasm. In Poly, I've tried to be like ZY (Popular), Sunny (Adapatable), Garry (Calm), Ernest (Funny and witty), Zack (Friendly), Jonathan (Accepted by all) etc. The list goes on, friends. Pardon me if I didn't include your names. Trust me. I've "sucked up" a wee something from every single one of you guys that I treasure. Just like a vacuum cleaner.
Or a black hole
It's not exactly a bad thing to learn the positive traits of all my friends, but gradually, I realized my past self had been lost within the vortex of my attempts to be like all my friends. And I realized another thing. It might be caused by a fear that everybody might not like or accept the person lost within that vortex.
It may be self-improvement. But recently, I find myself very prone to paranoia. That people might not like the current me. Or accept the current me. That I need to change more, and that more of who I am will suddenly be lost in the vortex again. It's unavoidable, unfortunately
I'm sure everyone has more or less encountered the same problems, but everyone has different approaches to solve the problem. Some chooses to retain as who they are to avoid the pain and be spared the agony of always trying to adapt to different people who wants them to be what others like better. Some, like me, keeps on changing, changing... till eventually... they "disappear", and you more or less find a new person there you might not recognize.
I guess things happen. Quoting Fel, "This is the world. You have to go into it."
But my reply to his philosophy will always be, "Then I hate the world as it is."
My only greatest comfort are my friends, but it is ironic that chasing after them and trying to reach their level is also my greatest burden. To me, they're at a level so high that I cannot reach, and I'm constantly climbing to reach them, but halfway through, I fall, only to keep trying again. No, I'm not blaming you all. It's just something that sprouted in my mind. It just occurred to me that instead of trying to climb up to your totems, I should instead find my own totem, no matter how short, and climb up to it. You guys are so awesome packed that I'm scared that one day, I might not be able to reach your levels, then you'll leave me behind and climb even further.
Just my two cents worth of comments. No specific friends this message is intended for. It's intended for everyone whom I've regarded as a friend for the past 18 years plus of my life. And I'm not blaming you guys. Instead, thank you, all, for being my friends. Thank you for entering my life.
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MST week is next week. >_< Procrastinator alert much?
Can't afford to fail anything. But I'm super worried for my SC. It's really really bad.
I pray to God that we can all get through this tough period, everyone. Good luck, everyone! :]
P.S.: Time to finish up my PED report due tomorrow...
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