Sense of importance is bullshit

This might sound like an emo/self pity post. It's not.

I'm going to expose the reality of how things really are.

Have you ever thought of yourself as important to someone? That when you are gone, or you don't exist, their lives would change dramatically?

Let me enlighten you. You probably don't really matter. At least I know I don't.

For me, it's like this. No matter what I do, I don't feel any sense of appreciation, so yeah, I'm probably not an important person in anybody's life. I'm probably just lackey number xxx.

My friends probably won't hang out that often. No harm. They can just stick with their other friends. I mean, if I mattered, I wouldn't be the one always asking people out. Starting the chats. It would be more of the other way round at times. Maybe I've always done all that because I was afraid to be alone or maybe I'm deep down attention deprived? I dunno, maybe I need to get evaluated psychologically. After my secondary school, I guess I've always been desperate for company. For friends. I try so hard. But so many people can still dislike me. Pleasing everybody is impossible. Forget it.

My family won't matter. My father will have just one less person to mock and nag at. My mother and sisters will just have one less person to throw tantrums at. No son/brother to buy stuff for them? They can manage. They just need to split the efforts. My parents probably wouldn't be worried about my future. They always think I aren't. Fact is, I feel like a burden. They don't know. I don't tell them. The house doesn't need me. My sisters refuses to speak to me. My parents hides things from me. Even in a family, I can feel alone. Ironic, isn't it? Maybe.... just maybe... it's better if I don't exist.

The people I've fallen in love with... Ha! They're definitely better off if I wasn't in their lives. Probably me speaking to them make them feel like a bug landing on them. They just swat me off because they'll tend to find me annoying. And I probably am. I admit it. I lost all my self confidence already.

I'm going to stop thinking that I can make even a small dent in people's lives. I'm just another passer-by. No one will miss me. I'm redundant. I'm tired of making an effort to impress people, and to show people I exist. It's pointless.

And probably, you are too. Think about it. Do you have a family that doesn't talk to you, or when they talk to you, you probably are being mocked more than half the time? Are you always the one making the effort to bring people together for self satisfaction? Are you always the one starting chats with people, to find out you're almost talking to a wall?

Yeah, you go evaluate yourself.

"Perfection is a mirage; it doesn't exist"

Have you ever met a situation where you kept on thinking, "I'm right, all evidence points that way, people support my decision.", and then at the very last minute realise that you're wrong, and you have no way about it?

It's an irony.

Recently, I was exposed to such a situation. I was presented hard evidence that what I suspected was correct. Since there was hard evidence, people inevitably thought I was correct as well. One person insisted I was wrong. At this standpoint, I was frustrated. I mean, there was evidence, right?

Then it turns out the opposition was right all along. Embarrassed much?

This taught me a valuable lesson; Never think that your case is perfect. Sometimes, proof can be wrong, people supporting are just doing it based on what they see and hear. And getting tugged about by an illusion called 'evidence' can be pretty misleading.

I had no comeback. I had to hang my head in shame.

Now, I'll also have to deal with the people who thought I was right as well. They are going to gossip about me tricking a lot of them, making them think the wrong things. Because it is human nature to blame. No one likes to admit they're wrong.

So what I want to share is. There is no such thing as a 'sure thing', or 'perfection'. Everything has a way about it, a flaw, a loophole. There is no perfect person who can be 100% about their job, no routine that is 100% efficient, no such thing as a 100% confirmation. And there is no perfect person no matter how they seem they are.

Live in our mistakes and flaws and learn. Life has a explanation for everything. But life's a bitch; it doesn't like to share.

"Revival, recent thoughts"

With too many things on my mind, it occurred to me that having an online journal to document my thoughts might not be a bad idea. Recently, people have taken to Twitter for short emotional outbursts every 5 minutes, Facebook statuses to taunt people and Instagram to show their most recent and glamorous of photos. Blogs are like a forgotten relic of the past. *laughs* But I still think writing, in its core, can bring out emotions. Writing out how we feel is an outlet, a release, and showing others our soul.

So I've decided to revive this blog. Let's update you with a simple reintroduction with who I am, since I've changed from the Zi Hao a year ago.

"Hi, I'm Zi Hao. I'm 22 this year. I'm a simple, mild mannered person who likes to be in the company of close friends and family. I love cooking, and is constantly exploring new dishes and inventing them. I love to do food hunting as well with friends, so do recommend me any good restaurants. I'm also kind of a fitness junkie as of recent, you can follow up my fitness archives, and if you are looking for a running or gym buddy, I'm available. Also, I like reading and writing selectively. Currently, I'm a NSF, but I'll be ORD-ing on the 22 Aug this year. You can follow my Twitter @kallzh, or my Instagram kalzh."

That's the gist of how I'm living my life right now. So, down to business.

Today's topic shall be about regret and self-disappointment.

Have you ever taken a good look at your life, and thought about how and what you could have been if you haven't screwed up in the past? And that right now, you're disappointed in yourself because you couldn't live up to your own expectations?

I have.

Today, I received a news of tremendous disappointment. It made me think back so much on how I could have been and what I could have been if I had made the right choices in the past. As I reflected, I regretted. And as I regretted, more self disappointment seeped in. I wanted to punch myself and keep on telling myself how dumb, how stupid I was 2-3 years ago. How I constantly didn't put in my best and gave my all. How I am a failure of a human being. I felt that I was unreliable, overdependent on others and it further disappointed me. What sort of person am I?

See, I was negative about myself. I loathed myself in the moment, and I thought of myself as a burden to everyone around me. It took a good godsister to cheer me up a bit. She told me my good points, and told me what I already know I have to do from now on: to move on and improve myself as a person.

Don't get me wrong, she cheered me up a little, but self-disappointment and regret aren't things that go away easily. I still have that tinge. But I'm really glad I have friends who are by my side when I need them. Friends who listen and support me and comfort me. Confidants.

My advice for people who have the same issues? Like me, move on. Living in the past will get you nowhere. Everyone is born to do something amazing. You just haven't discovered which amazing thing you're meant to do yet. ;) Search. Find it. Make your life meaningful, so you won't every regret or feel that disappointment again. Look back only if there is a lesson to be learnt, not to dwell.

I hope my opening revival post was meaningful, people. More will come. Count on it. :)