Sense of importance is bullshit

This might sound like an emo/self pity post. It's not.

I'm going to expose the reality of how things really are.

Have you ever thought of yourself as important to someone? That when you are gone, or you don't exist, their lives would change dramatically?

Let me enlighten you. You probably don't really matter. At least I know I don't.

For me, it's like this. No matter what I do, I don't feel any sense of appreciation, so yeah, I'm probably not an important person in anybody's life. I'm probably just lackey number xxx.

My friends probably won't hang out that often. No harm. They can just stick with their other friends. I mean, if I mattered, I wouldn't be the one always asking people out. Starting the chats. It would be more of the other way round at times. Maybe I've always done all that because I was afraid to be alone or maybe I'm deep down attention deprived? I dunno, maybe I need to get evaluated psychologically. After my secondary school, I guess I've always been desperate for company. For friends. I try so hard. But so many people can still dislike me. Pleasing everybody is impossible. Forget it.

My family won't matter. My father will have just one less person to mock and nag at. My mother and sisters will just have one less person to throw tantrums at. No son/brother to buy stuff for them? They can manage. They just need to split the efforts. My parents probably wouldn't be worried about my future. They always think I aren't. Fact is, I feel like a burden. They don't know. I don't tell them. The house doesn't need me. My sisters refuses to speak to me. My parents hides things from me. Even in a family, I can feel alone. Ironic, isn't it? Maybe.... just maybe... it's better if I don't exist.

The people I've fallen in love with... Ha! They're definitely better off if I wasn't in their lives. Probably me speaking to them make them feel like a bug landing on them. They just swat me off because they'll tend to find me annoying. And I probably am. I admit it. I lost all my self confidence already.

I'm going to stop thinking that I can make even a small dent in people's lives. I'm just another passer-by. No one will miss me. I'm redundant. I'm tired of making an effort to impress people, and to show people I exist. It's pointless.

And probably, you are too. Think about it. Do you have a family that doesn't talk to you, or when they talk to you, you probably are being mocked more than half the time? Are you always the one making the effort to bring people together for self satisfaction? Are you always the one starting chats with people, to find out you're almost talking to a wall?

Yeah, you go evaluate yourself.