Confidence

Yeah, I'd say that's the defining trait. Sadly, I lack it. A lot.

Recently, I was reading this article, quite interesting. It talks about alpha males and what makes them tick around woman. So there was this table that indicates that girls would date a guy who's violent, an asshole, fat etc. as long as he is rich, handsome or famous, which in turn would make him confident. It's also the reason why there's this thing about saying girls like bad boys.

So I evaluated myself a bit (been doing a lot of that nowadays). And I realise I really am down in the dumps. I'm not rich. Not famous. And I definitely don't find myself handsome. All I can do is run a bit faster than people, lost my weight and got fitter (but still not as fit as many others). I can cook and learn from it quite fast, but I'm no chef. My speaking skills deteriorated in NS. And I'm generally shy. So, in other words, I'm just an average guy with no extraordinary merits to speak of, and certain members of my family tend to remind me of that every single day.

That's my problem. The reason I always cook, always work out so hard is because I'm trying to find that missing confidence trait, in other words, a trait that gives me confidence. Traits that other people would see and say, "Wow!". But no... sadly, I don't think I have such a trait. If I do, I really can't see it.

A friend of mine, Joshua, told me that I should be more confident of myself. Go out there, interact with people, put myself on display. But I guess I'm too socially withdrawn due to bad experiences. Secondary school was a turning moment of my life where I learnt about the harshness of the world. Four years when I had to look down on the floor wherever I go. For four years, I had little friends, and it cost me a chance to know what friends and people could be like. In Poly, I met people who think of every tiny action as 'backstabbing'. Misunderstandings occur, and politics occur everywhere. I said 'sorry' to every single wrong thing, and there were unwritten sets of rules for everything everywhere. I was glad to meet a bunch of true friends there though. But still, seven years with all this pressure was unimaginable. I was like a kid who grew up unable to hold his head high. Family didn't help either. No one wanted to help me. I was never alone, but I felt lonely and ignorant.

Recently, I had met someone who really gave me confidence. But out of nowhere, things went downhill. No idea how that happened, but once again, it gave my confidence a crash.

My family did nothing to help matters. Every single day, I have one person who would go on about how useless, ignorant and stupid I am.

I just wish I could sort out my emotions. I've been unable to sleep recently due to these confidence matters.

God, let me meet someone who will make me feel whole.