Dreams (2)/Masks and Friendships/Matters of the heart

Exhausted, but I shall wait till my hair is dry before hitting the sack.


This few days, as "research", I asked around people about dreams, and if they had them. Everybody gave me the same advice. To slowly search, as I still had 2 1/2 years to think out my options. But  it feels like I'm missing an organ. Because having a dream leads to having ambitions, while ambitions leads to action. Action ensures that you will one day build your own road.


I haven't even got the tar ready. How do I build it up, my road to the future?


I will go on looking, for it, so that I can go on. Everyday I am living in now seems so meaningless without a goal. I feel like a dead man inside. 


I need to be revived.


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You know that you are pretty much the talk of the town when you just say some random stuffs about person A, and person B assumes you are talking about him/her.


For eg, on FB, yesterday, a certain someone really really pissed me off. Shall not mention names here. Don't worry, it's not any ACER. It's... a certain someone else.


So I wrote on FB as my profile message: "Don't assume. You don't know me at all."


Verena replied, "i love how word spread so fast, it is really amusing to me. hahahhahahha"


I'll tell you now I have no idea what she's talking about. Guilty conscience much? It's natural for people to talk about people behind their backs. I'd be lying if I say I am neither curious nor hurt, but it happens to everyone. I'm used to the talking behind another party's back, but I'll never get used to the hurt. I guess I might have a delicate heart.


Trying too hard to be a friend can be a bad thing sometimes too. I have that weakness, from what some had told me.


But it's like I said. Don't assume. I've been wearing a mask because if I don't, I might not be accepted by the general public. Very little people has had the privilege to see the face behind the mask. Same goes for everybody, doesn't it. Everyone wears a mask for self preservation.


I want to be honest to myself for once you know, just to see if friendship can withstand truth. But from what I know, friendship is like glass. It breaks easily unless both parties treat it with delicate care. Truth is tough. That's how it is.

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So that's how screwed up my life is right now. A guy who has no dreams and goals to speak of and has social stress to deal with. Let's comfort myself by telling myself it could be worse.

Can I be true to myself and be accepted?