1 week ago, on the 22nd August, I ORD-ed. It was kinda surreal. I've been looking forward to it so much, but when it finally came, it just felt so... insignificant. Just the end of another phase. Like when you graduate from a school.
But still, two years! I've met a lot of people, learnt a lot of life skills, and suffered enough to know that sometimes, pushing through your limits can bring out better from you. Let me summarise my BMT story.
I enlisted into Falcon Coy 04/11 batch during 23rd August 2011. From that day on, it was a new lifestyle. We religiously had PT everyday. We got tekan by commanders. Our IPPT was our self worth. You see "garang kias" and "wayang kings" and learn how to "do anything but not get caught". It was a phase that got me to learn to be more flexible, since I was always by the book in the past. I learnt not to be so stubborn, maybe a little less selfish back in Tekong. My section was the best I could've wished for. Especially our leader, Qaiser, who taught me the most and encouraged me. He was one of the best men I know, and if possible, I know I still have much to learn from his ever optimistic attitude and selflessness.
Then came unit life in 30SCE. I was pushed to my physical limits here by my commanders, and ended up with an IPPT Gold even though I failed all my previous attempts. I managed to do all the SOC stations with encouragement from all my fellow section mates. We went through so many field camps, dug so many shell scrapes did so much "saigang" together. A few people truly taught and helped me a lot. Xiu Hao, who taught me to smile and laugh no matter how adverse circumstances are. LS, who despite being the cheekiest guy I know, would never let anyone down. Joshua, my best friend in camp who would always listen to my troubles. Zelin, who always gave me a hand in anything I do. Chee Weng and Yong Jin, who believed me when others didn't. Commanders like Yong Kang and Marcus, who believed in me and pushed me physically for my best. There are many others I would like to thank as well, but for a summary, it's getting long. So I shall conclude.
It was a tough two years. But I believe that in the end, it's the process that shaped us. So the end probably just felt empty, because all the feelings had been put through during all the things we do. What's most important is that we learn the positive qualities from the people we met, the ones who always are there for us. And to do for others what they did for us. Inspire others. That's what it means to grow from "Ah Boy to Man".
Straight after my ORD, I started studying Mechanical Engineering in PSB Academy. Right now, I just finished my first week. It's a bit of a culture shock, considering how I transited from soldier to student in a day, but I'll manage. Student life is different. But in a good way. I still have much to get used to.
But I'll pull through. That's what NS taught me the most about: to pull through, because it'll one day be over.
"Suffering is the price we for being alive, and it's not negotiable. All we can do is accept it and move on. The very worst thing we can do is feel sorry for ourselves." I don't have the luxury for to feel sorry for myself. Time to crack the whip.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Confidence
Yeah, I'd say that's the defining trait. Sadly, I lack it. A lot.
Recently, I was reading this article, quite interesting. It talks about alpha males and what makes them tick around woman. So there was this table that indicates that girls would date a guy who's violent, an asshole, fat etc. as long as he is rich, handsome or famous, which in turn would make him confident. It's also the reason why there's this thing about saying girls like bad boys.
So I evaluated myself a bit (been doing a lot of that nowadays). And I realise I really am down in the dumps. I'm not rich. Not famous. And I definitely don't find myself handsome. All I can do is run a bit faster than people, lost my weight and got fitter (but still not as fit as many others). I can cook and learn from it quite fast, but I'm no chef. My speaking skills deteriorated in NS. And I'm generally shy. So, in other words, I'm just an average guy with no extraordinary merits to speak of, and certain members of my family tend to remind me of that every single day.
That's my problem. The reason I always cook, always work out so hard is because I'm trying to find that missing confidence trait, in other words, a trait that gives me confidence. Traits that other people would see and say, "Wow!". But no... sadly, I don't think I have such a trait. If I do, I really can't see it.
A friend of mine, Joshua, told me that I should be more confident of myself. Go out there, interact with people, put myself on display. But I guess I'm too socially withdrawn due to bad experiences. Secondary school was a turning moment of my life where I learnt about the harshness of the world. Four years when I had to look down on the floor wherever I go. For four years, I had little friends, and it cost me a chance to know what friends and people could be like. In Poly, I met people who think of every tiny action as 'backstabbing'. Misunderstandings occur, and politics occur everywhere. I said 'sorry' to every single wrong thing, and there were unwritten sets of rules for everything everywhere. I was glad to meet a bunch of true friends there though. But still, seven years with all this pressure was unimaginable. I was like a kid who grew up unable to hold his head high. Family didn't help either. No one wanted to help me. I was never alone, but I felt lonely and ignorant.
Recently, I had met someone who really gave me confidence. But out of nowhere, things went downhill. No idea how that happened, but once again, it gave my confidence a crash.
My family did nothing to help matters. Every single day, I have one person who would go on about how useless, ignorant and stupid I am.
I just wish I could sort out my emotions. I've been unable to sleep recently due to these confidence matters.
God, let me meet someone who will make me feel whole.
Recently, I was reading this article, quite interesting. It talks about alpha males and what makes them tick around woman. So there was this table that indicates that girls would date a guy who's violent, an asshole, fat etc. as long as he is rich, handsome or famous, which in turn would make him confident. It's also the reason why there's this thing about saying girls like bad boys.
So I evaluated myself a bit (been doing a lot of that nowadays). And I realise I really am down in the dumps. I'm not rich. Not famous. And I definitely don't find myself handsome. All I can do is run a bit faster than people, lost my weight and got fitter (but still not as fit as many others). I can cook and learn from it quite fast, but I'm no chef. My speaking skills deteriorated in NS. And I'm generally shy. So, in other words, I'm just an average guy with no extraordinary merits to speak of, and certain members of my family tend to remind me of that every single day.
That's my problem. The reason I always cook, always work out so hard is because I'm trying to find that missing confidence trait, in other words, a trait that gives me confidence. Traits that other people would see and say, "Wow!". But no... sadly, I don't think I have such a trait. If I do, I really can't see it.
A friend of mine, Joshua, told me that I should be more confident of myself. Go out there, interact with people, put myself on display. But I guess I'm too socially withdrawn due to bad experiences. Secondary school was a turning moment of my life where I learnt about the harshness of the world. Four years when I had to look down on the floor wherever I go. For four years, I had little friends, and it cost me a chance to know what friends and people could be like. In Poly, I met people who think of every tiny action as 'backstabbing'. Misunderstandings occur, and politics occur everywhere. I said 'sorry' to every single wrong thing, and there were unwritten sets of rules for everything everywhere. I was glad to meet a bunch of true friends there though. But still, seven years with all this pressure was unimaginable. I was like a kid who grew up unable to hold his head high. Family didn't help either. No one wanted to help me. I was never alone, but I felt lonely and ignorant.
Recently, I had met someone who really gave me confidence. But out of nowhere, things went downhill. No idea how that happened, but once again, it gave my confidence a crash.
My family did nothing to help matters. Every single day, I have one person who would go on about how useless, ignorant and stupid I am.
I just wish I could sort out my emotions. I've been unable to sleep recently due to these confidence matters.
God, let me meet someone who will make me feel whole.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sense of importance is bullshit
This might sound like an emo/self pity post. It's not.
I'm going to expose the reality of how things really are.
Have you ever thought of yourself as important to someone? That when you are gone, or you don't exist, their lives would change dramatically?
Let me enlighten you. You probably don't really matter. At least I know I don't.
For me, it's like this. No matter what I do, I don't feel any sense of appreciation, so yeah, I'm probably not an important person in anybody's life. I'm probably just lackey number xxx.
My friends probably won't hang out that often. No harm. They can just stick with their other friends. I mean, if I mattered, I wouldn't be the one always asking people out. Starting the chats. It would be more of the other way round at times. Maybe I've always done all that because I was afraid to be alone or maybe I'm deep down attention deprived? I dunno, maybe I need to get evaluated psychologically. After my secondary school, I guess I've always been desperate for company. For friends. I try so hard. But so many people can still dislike me. Pleasing everybody is impossible. Forget it.
My family won't matter. My father will have just one less person to mock and nag at. My mother and sisters will just have one less person to throw tantrums at. No son/brother to buy stuff for them? They can manage. They just need to split the efforts. My parents probably wouldn't be worried about my future. They always think I aren't. Fact is, I feel like a burden. They don't know. I don't tell them. The house doesn't need me. My sisters refuses to speak to me. My parents hides things from me. Even in a family, I can feel alone. Ironic, isn't it? Maybe.... just maybe... it's better if I don't exist.
The people I've fallen in love with... Ha! They're definitely better off if I wasn't in their lives. Probably me speaking to them make them feel like a bug landing on them. They just swat me off because they'll tend to find me annoying. And I probably am. I admit it. I lost all my self confidence already.
I'm going to stop thinking that I can make even a small dent in people's lives. I'm just another passer-by. No one will miss me. I'm redundant. I'm tired of making an effort to impress people, and to show people I exist. It's pointless.
And probably, you are too. Think about it. Do you have a family that doesn't talk to you, or when they talk to you, you probably are being mocked more than half the time? Are you always the one making the effort to bring people together for self satisfaction? Are you always the one starting chats with people, to find out you're almost talking to a wall?
Yeah, you go evaluate yourself.
I'm going to expose the reality of how things really are.
Have you ever thought of yourself as important to someone? That when you are gone, or you don't exist, their lives would change dramatically?
Let me enlighten you. You probably don't really matter. At least I know I don't.
For me, it's like this. No matter what I do, I don't feel any sense of appreciation, so yeah, I'm probably not an important person in anybody's life. I'm probably just lackey number xxx.
My friends probably won't hang out that often. No harm. They can just stick with their other friends. I mean, if I mattered, I wouldn't be the one always asking people out. Starting the chats. It would be more of the other way round at times. Maybe I've always done all that because I was afraid to be alone or maybe I'm deep down attention deprived? I dunno, maybe I need to get evaluated psychologically. After my secondary school, I guess I've always been desperate for company. For friends. I try so hard. But so many people can still dislike me. Pleasing everybody is impossible. Forget it.
My family won't matter. My father will have just one less person to mock and nag at. My mother and sisters will just have one less person to throw tantrums at. No son/brother to buy stuff for them? They can manage. They just need to split the efforts. My parents probably wouldn't be worried about my future. They always think I aren't. Fact is, I feel like a burden. They don't know. I don't tell them. The house doesn't need me. My sisters refuses to speak to me. My parents hides things from me. Even in a family, I can feel alone. Ironic, isn't it? Maybe.... just maybe... it's better if I don't exist.
The people I've fallen in love with... Ha! They're definitely better off if I wasn't in their lives. Probably me speaking to them make them feel like a bug landing on them. They just swat me off because they'll tend to find me annoying. And I probably am. I admit it. I lost all my self confidence already.
I'm going to stop thinking that I can make even a small dent in people's lives. I'm just another passer-by. No one will miss me. I'm redundant. I'm tired of making an effort to impress people, and to show people I exist. It's pointless.
And probably, you are too. Think about it. Do you have a family that doesn't talk to you, or when they talk to you, you probably are being mocked more than half the time? Are you always the one making the effort to bring people together for self satisfaction? Are you always the one starting chats with people, to find out you're almost talking to a wall?
Yeah, you go evaluate yourself.
Friday, July 19, 2013
"Perfection is a mirage; it doesn't exist"
Have you ever met a situation where you kept on thinking, "I'm right, all evidence points that way, people support my decision.", and then at the very last minute realise that you're wrong, and you have no way about it?
It's an irony.
Recently, I was exposed to such a situation. I was presented hard evidence that what I suspected was correct. Since there was hard evidence, people inevitably thought I was correct as well. One person insisted I was wrong. At this standpoint, I was frustrated. I mean, there was evidence, right?
Then it turns out the opposition was right all along. Embarrassed much?
This taught me a valuable lesson; Never think that your case is perfect. Sometimes, proof can be wrong, people supporting are just doing it based on what they see and hear. And getting tugged about by an illusion called 'evidence' can be pretty misleading.
I had no comeback. I had to hang my head in shame.
Now, I'll also have to deal with the people who thought I was right as well. They are going to gossip about me tricking a lot of them, making them think the wrong things. Because it is human nature to blame. No one likes to admit they're wrong.
So what I want to share is. There is no such thing as a 'sure thing', or 'perfection'. Everything has a way about it, a flaw, a loophole. There is no perfect person who can be 100% about their job, no routine that is 100% efficient, no such thing as a 100% confirmation. And there is no perfect person no matter how they seem they are.
Live in our mistakes and flaws and learn. Life has a explanation for everything. But life's a bitch; it doesn't like to share.
It's an irony.
Recently, I was exposed to such a situation. I was presented hard evidence that what I suspected was correct. Since there was hard evidence, people inevitably thought I was correct as well. One person insisted I was wrong. At this standpoint, I was frustrated. I mean, there was evidence, right?
Then it turns out the opposition was right all along. Embarrassed much?
This taught me a valuable lesson; Never think that your case is perfect. Sometimes, proof can be wrong, people supporting are just doing it based on what they see and hear. And getting tugged about by an illusion called 'evidence' can be pretty misleading.
I had no comeback. I had to hang my head in shame.
Now, I'll also have to deal with the people who thought I was right as well. They are going to gossip about me tricking a lot of them, making them think the wrong things. Because it is human nature to blame. No one likes to admit they're wrong.
So what I want to share is. There is no such thing as a 'sure thing', or 'perfection'. Everything has a way about it, a flaw, a loophole. There is no perfect person who can be 100% about their job, no routine that is 100% efficient, no such thing as a 100% confirmation. And there is no perfect person no matter how they seem they are.
Live in our mistakes and flaws and learn. Life has a explanation for everything. But life's a bitch; it doesn't like to share.
Friday, July 5, 2013
"Revival, recent thoughts"
With too many things on my mind, it occurred to me that having an online journal to document my thoughts might not be a bad idea. Recently, people have taken to Twitter for short emotional outbursts every 5 minutes, Facebook statuses to taunt people and Instagram to show their most recent and glamorous of photos. Blogs are like a forgotten relic of the past. *laughs* But I still think writing, in its core, can bring out emotions. Writing out how we feel is an outlet, a release, and showing others our soul.
So I've decided to revive this blog. Let's update you with a simple reintroduction with who I am, since I've changed from the Zi Hao a year ago.
"Hi, I'm Zi Hao. I'm 22 this year. I'm a simple, mild mannered person who likes to be in the company of close friends and family. I love cooking, and is constantly exploring new dishes and inventing them. I love to do food hunting as well with friends, so do recommend me any good restaurants. I'm also kind of a fitness junkie as of recent, you can follow up my fitness archives, and if you are looking for a running or gym buddy, I'm available. Also, I like reading and writing selectively. Currently, I'm a NSF, but I'll be ORD-ing on the 22 Aug this year. You can follow my Twitter @kallzh, or my Instagram kalzh."
That's the gist of how I'm living my life right now. So, down to business.
Today's topic shall be about regret and self-disappointment.
Have you ever taken a good look at your life, and thought about how and what you could have been if you haven't screwed up in the past? And that right now, you're disappointed in yourself because you couldn't live up to your own expectations?
I have.
Today, I received a news of tremendous disappointment. It made me think back so much on how I could have been and what I could have been if I had made the right choices in the past. As I reflected, I regretted. And as I regretted, more self disappointment seeped in. I wanted to punch myself and keep on telling myself how dumb, how stupid I was 2-3 years ago. How I constantly didn't put in my best and gave my all. How I am a failure of a human being. I felt that I was unreliable, overdependent on others and it further disappointed me. What sort of person am I?
See, I was negative about myself. I loathed myself in the moment, and I thought of myself as a burden to everyone around me. It took a good godsister to cheer me up a bit. She told me my good points, and told me what I already know I have to do from now on: to move on and improve myself as a person.
Don't get me wrong, she cheered me up a little, but self-disappointment and regret aren't things that go away easily. I still have that tinge. But I'm really glad I have friends who are by my side when I need them. Friends who listen and support me and comfort me. Confidants.
My advice for people who have the same issues? Like me, move on. Living in the past will get you nowhere. Everyone is born to do something amazing. You just haven't discovered which amazing thing you're meant to do yet. ;) Search. Find it. Make your life meaningful, so you won't every regret or feel that disappointment again. Look back only if there is a lesson to be learnt, not to dwell.
I hope my opening revival post was meaningful, people. More will come. Count on it. :)
So I've decided to revive this blog. Let's update you with a simple reintroduction with who I am, since I've changed from the Zi Hao a year ago.
"Hi, I'm Zi Hao. I'm 22 this year. I'm a simple, mild mannered person who likes to be in the company of close friends and family. I love cooking, and is constantly exploring new dishes and inventing them. I love to do food hunting as well with friends, so do recommend me any good restaurants. I'm also kind of a fitness junkie as of recent, you can follow up my fitness archives, and if you are looking for a running or gym buddy, I'm available. Also, I like reading and writing selectively. Currently, I'm a NSF, but I'll be ORD-ing on the 22 Aug this year. You can follow my Twitter @kallzh, or my Instagram kalzh."
That's the gist of how I'm living my life right now. So, down to business.
Today's topic shall be about regret and self-disappointment.
Have you ever taken a good look at your life, and thought about how and what you could have been if you haven't screwed up in the past? And that right now, you're disappointed in yourself because you couldn't live up to your own expectations?
I have.
Today, I received a news of tremendous disappointment. It made me think back so much on how I could have been and what I could have been if I had made the right choices in the past. As I reflected, I regretted. And as I regretted, more self disappointment seeped in. I wanted to punch myself and keep on telling myself how dumb, how stupid I was 2-3 years ago. How I constantly didn't put in my best and gave my all. How I am a failure of a human being. I felt that I was unreliable, overdependent on others and it further disappointed me. What sort of person am I?
See, I was negative about myself. I loathed myself in the moment, and I thought of myself as a burden to everyone around me. It took a good godsister to cheer me up a bit. She told me my good points, and told me what I already know I have to do from now on: to move on and improve myself as a person.
Don't get me wrong, she cheered me up a little, but self-disappointment and regret aren't things that go away easily. I still have that tinge. But I'm really glad I have friends who are by my side when I need them. Friends who listen and support me and comfort me. Confidants.
My advice for people who have the same issues? Like me, move on. Living in the past will get you nowhere. Everyone is born to do something amazing. You just haven't discovered which amazing thing you're meant to do yet. ;) Search. Find it. Make your life meaningful, so you won't every regret or feel that disappointment again. Look back only if there is a lesson to be learnt, not to dwell.
I hope my opening revival post was meaningful, people. More will come. Count on it. :)
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